What Did YOUR Dog Tell You Today?

I have a strange relationship with my pets. I don't know if I can adequately explain what the relationship dynamic is, but I can tell you this:

They understand everything I say to them. Especially the dog.

Ketulah (pronounced Keh-tool-ah) is especially attune to what I say to her. This dog will walk up to me and make a whiney noise. This is my cue that she "has issues".

"What wrong Tulah?" I'll ask.

She will grunt at me. One grunt means, "I want out of this house, take me for a walk!" Two grunts: "Feed me!" Three grunts "Feed and water me now dammit!" Three grunts and walking in a circle: "If you don't get up off your lazy human butt and feed me, I am going to leave a gift in your favorite pair of shoes!"

This particular time, I got a three-grunt response.

"So, you're hungry huh?"

The dog nodded. Yes, she did. Don't call me a liar! I saw her nod. Yes, she did!

"Well, let's go get you fed." I reply standing up.

The act of my standing gets the dog worked up into a tizzy. When she gets "happy" it's hard to walk around her without tripping over her and falling on your head.

"Hey, I know you're hungry, but all this jumping around isn't going to get you fed any quicker. Now calm down and let's go into the kitchen."

She calms down and takes a few steps toward the kitchen. Then she stops and turns to look at me.

"Get a grip dog, I'm right behind you," I answer.

We go into the kitchen and I grab her food dish. She starts to do her dance and I shoot her a glare. She sits.

"Good puppy," I reply and pat her on the head.

I fill her food dish and then give her water. She eats and drinks, I go back to my computer. A few moments later, she reappears at my side.

"Now what do you want?" I ask.

She stares at me, but offers nothing as a response.

"I'm not into reading the canine mind. Tell me what you want."

She glances at the front door and then back at me.

"So, you wanna go outside." I say.

More tizzy dance, another glare from me, obedience from the dog.

"You can't go outside yet. If I let you out now, you'll came back in two minutes later and then I'll have to get up and let you out again hen you REALLY need to go. Go lie on the couch and I'll let you out later."

This time, the dog glares at me. If she could speak, I know she would be calling me a bitch.

"Look whose calling who a bitch," I say. Now walk your canine butt on over to that couch and plant it.

One more glare and off she goes.

No one can tell me that she doesn't understand every word I say to her. And yes, she does talk back, and no, I'm not drunk or stoned. No, I'm not! No! Quit arguing with me! Otherwise I will tell Ketulah to seek out your shoes and YOU can have the gift!


- posted by Kim @ 3:58 AM